Saturday, September 4, 2010

Smoking baby reportedly has quit

CNN: Smoking baby reportedly has quit

But it wasn’t easy, says little Ardi Rizal.
“You know, sometimes after a hard day crawling on my hands and knees, sometimes trying to walk, I just need to unwind, and naturally, I reach for Marlboro lights.”
And, like almost any former smoker will tell you, quitting hasn’t exactly done wonders for his figure.
“Yeah, it’s getting embarrassing—even more embarrassing than the whole world watching you chain-smoking on YouTube as a toddler, under your parent’s supervision—I’m getting this spare, spare tire from all the snacking I’m doing in place of the cigarettes. Sure, it’s hard to tell, me being a baby and all, but trust me—this diaper just doesn’t fit the same way it used to. I look like I’m gonna have a baby or something. . .”

When asked about the leather jacket-Arthur Fonzarelli-vibe he was working, he blamed said it was his father’s idea, just like the cigarettes. And the little-blue-plastic-guitar-cool-guy-rock-star vibe? “Yeah,” he laughed, “Dad’s kind of a douchebag, ain’t he? What’ll he think of next!”

When asked if he feels cheated out of a “normal” childhood with all the fame his habit has brought, Rizal was philosophical, “Look, I’m a rebel. You won’t catch me with that Baby Einstein b.s., or those freaky-ass TeleTubbies. Hell, we don’t even have a TV. This ain’t no party, this ain’t no disco. It’s friggin' Sumatra. It’s all up-hill, Lady, especially when the Tsunami warnings come and the . . . ” Rizal seemed to smile, then told this reporter not to get too excited, it was just gas.

Despite his apparent success, it hasn’t been an easy road for Rizal, who has faced some of the typical challenges associated with quitting nicotine.  
“I probably should have cut out the coffee first, because now, without the nicotine in my system, I’m really feeling that caffeine effect, big time, all shaky, you know how it is. But I guess that will pass.  . . the worst part is when I’m hitting the bottle, though. That’s when I really have the urge to light up. That association is strong. Drink-smoke-drink-smoke. I’m off the formula now, too, but just the smell of the stuff sends me running for a book of matches. On ‘Wild Turkey’ night, it just gets worse.”

Initially, Rizal tried cutting back slowly, from 40 cigarettes a day to 39, but that didn’t seem to be working, so he tried to go “cold turkey”, with varying degrees of success—he relapsed a number of times. He switched brands, to Virginia Slims, under the mistaken notion that “chick cigarettes, you know, probably a little gentler on the system,” and about two months ago brought it down to 20 cigarettes a day. He’s now “just dabbling”, with only one or two cigarettes a week, on the nights when his social worker brings him to the bar.
You’ve come a long way, Baby.

Rizal’s parents were unavailable for comment, as they’re in hiding to avoid the public flogging.

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